Perfection is not all it is cracked up to be. Along with stress, anxiety and possible high blood pressure comes negative perception of self because nobody is perfect. A child abuse victim often feels if I am picture perfect then maybe none of this harm would happen to me. Behaviors of exactness build to hide the hostility occurring. Victims conjure up the possibility that flawless performance may change circumstances.
Blackmail to keep my perpetrator’s secret quiet was extreme in my situation. I was threatened into believing if my grandmother discovered what was happening to me, “it would kill her.”
What 12-year-old wants to think they could be the one who destroys their granny? I certainly did not desire being responsible for murdering her. So, I did everything possible to keep her from knowing what horror was repeatedly being inflicted on me. This included masquerading around her with excellence. I graduated in the top 10 percent of my class in high school. Nobody would think I was covering up such atrocities if I performed immaculately. This situation drove me to attempt 100 percent constantly.
During my healing and recovery, I work hard to be okay with less than. I am less driven, which is not a bad thing. Falling short is okay. I am glad I focused on this aspect of self-improvement and still do.
Effort to change my life this way is worth the outcome. I am much HAPPIER NOW!
HE IS FOREVER WITH ME 