My Heart Cries

We join to rejoice for service to the country.

I cry.

I want to rejoice with all my heart,

but naught, the torrid shadow keeps me.

I sit and listen and am proud

Our troops fight for freedom.

Against terrorism, you say?

What about the terror brought home?

The cost to our own.

I am honored we send aid to suppressed,

but at the expense of me

being permanently depressed?

Not just the soldiers give their life,

but children left parent-less, grandparent-less,

brother-less, or sister-less.

What about that profound expense?

Back to the terror brought home,

the madness, the nightmares, the PTSD.

Can what we see be unseen?

Not so much.

I realize the horror endured,

but few as long as mine lasted.

How can I be gracious

when the sacrifice was me?

I cry more.

Does anyone hear me?

Does anyone give a damn?

Does everyone suffer

damaging collateral abuse?

I wonder sometimes,

all the above?

My Heart Cries.

Dust of Peace

I have this place I go where the silence is clear.

   I praise and thank God while here with prayer.

Peace is the focus today.

            Praying and thanking Him for his grace and mercy.

As I pull dead leafy stems from below new springing stalks,

            An open peace lily bloom jostles back and forth.  

From the pistols pollen dustings fall.

            My heart hears the Holy Spirit speak “Dust of peace” to you!  

Searing this image to memory instills His peace within me.

            How incredible He touches this moment.

I breathe in deeply and absorb the view,  

            Watching tiniest of peace sprinkles waft to hardwood floor.

Reflecting those seconds, I lean closer to the flowering creation.

Reaching in, I point the peace bloom skyward.

The urge to sniff overtakes and intense sweetness catches my smell.

I bury my face into His beautiful reminder of peace.

                                                                                    ~ Rachell Freed

                                                                                        5/11/2023

What a gift!

Don’t forget to take time today for self ~

Family Love

Fear of truths hold me back,

Support to tell secrets is what I lack;

Family love forms the home.

So why do I feel so alone?

Trust and security is what should exist,

Safety from harm at its best;

When these feelings are not there,

Trust is gone, and I don’t care!

RFreed – October 3, 1992

Theophany

Theophany definition: appearance of God — of a deity to a human.

This closest experience (and not the only one of my life) immediately comes to mind: praying so hard that I connected spiritually. Peace and serenity washed over me and came to me without a word. I knew I had been understood and I felt the Holy Spirit of God within me. So very calming and peaceful to my soul. I experienced this theophany within the first months after leaving home @ 18 years old in 1978. While in that basement when I felt so alone, God filled me, and I no longer felt alone!

What a glorious and gracious memory!!! 

Happy to Find William’s Fawns Breath

Sometimes the most precious moments of one’s life happen in a split second. If one happens not to notice that second in their life…

April 3, 2010

Apparently, I “just existed” all these years after starting over. What does that mean? I have been living life, right? Dang, all this time. I am beginning to realize what being present and participating in life is about. This is a story about recovery of a life at last.

A vivid memory that comes to mind is recall of the first day I felt happy. The feeling was such an incredible overwhelming very unfamiliar sense of thrilling exhilaration. So much so that I shared my experience with Michael, my doctor.

I am sitting in Bill’s wildflower garden at the shaded end of the house. I am conscientiously pulling the winter leaves away, gently now. I remember Bill’s warning to be careful not to break the spores. My mind begins to wonder about spores: how big they are, etc. My thoughts return very tiny, miniscule. Spores are the first indicator wildflowers are taking off for spring. I find myself looking for them in this private, personal patch of beauty. All righty, then.

I see blood root and wood anemone sprigs poking up from mother earth, bishop’s hat in the early stages and plenty of yellow and maroon trillium everywhere. Then I see his pièce de resistance! His favorite of all his wildflowers, fawns breath. This prized wildflower bush has not been seen for more than 7 years, 3 of those years before Bill passed away. Throughout this 7-year span, his fawn’s breath did not grow every year as perennials generally do. I was resolved that this jewel would not ever be seen again here. Until now. I am beside myself when I see one, no two stalks jutting upward. I am ecstatic and filled with elation. What joy and happiness!

During this precious second, I feel Bill with me. In this same instant, I feel Jane with me too. Without either of them, my story is not possible.