I loved my father because he was a great man. But I hated him because he abused me sexually repeatedly for six years.
Throughout time service veterans hold their place in parades, sports events and occasionally funerals. The presence of uniformed men and women marching parallel or riding atop floats in parade processions waving proudly to citizens lining the streets of Everywhere, USA.
Children all over the country see what honor, duty, and patriotism look like, which produced a great feeling of pride and love for my veteran, my dad. He joined the armed services immediately following his degree ceremony from a major university. That is how men were drafted, then enlisted into military service back in the day. My dad studied engineering and was also a college football captain while he worked to complete his undergraduate degree. His aspirations and achievements reveal he was intelligent and highly motivated to succeed.
I have fun memories of my dad teaching my brothers and me to skateboard. We would ride that board on four wheels down a long sidewalk in front of our house while gaining acceleration exponentially as we went. The only way to escape the risk of open street ahead was to take the corner tight and fast and jump off the skateboard into the grass as the board landed a short distance away in our neighbor’s yard. The exhilaration of a successful jump felt like flying just for an instant as my feet made contact once again with the grassy earth. Sometimes a tuck and roll would be necessary, but that was added thrill and danger my seven-year old self was willing to risk. Immense fun, joy and laughter filled the air during these play times with family. What very happy memories indeed.
My brothers became very busy during junior high and high school, as many kids do. Both started playing football in peewee leagues, so I spent many summer evenings practicing with them and my father through elementary school years.
When I was 14, my dad let me drive his stick shift 1934 Ford coupe with rumble seat. The thrill and exhilaration surpassed all the fond memories of trips in the enclosed rumble seat of that roadster with my two brothers stuffed in beside me.
But more than anything, my dear father, a United States Army veteran retired after 20 years, not only taught me love and loyalty for our great country, but also to be grateful to those who put their lives on hold to serve. I stop and think of all that has been given and lost to ensure our nation remains free. Not only have those called to serve in years past, but young women and men who have volunteered and continue to step up to protect what our founding fathers began with deep thoughts, determination, and many actions toward freedom as we enjoy today.
He also taught us there were those who would dishonor our country, but the principles on which this country was founded would never dishonor God or us! Some have done evil under the banner of the USA, but their reputations will eventually be crushed under the principles for which the republic stands!
He saw many atrocities and horrors of war in Vietnam and then later in Korea. He only spoke twice of these things to me. I was too young to share his everyday life that encompassed many of his days of war. He recalled loss of battalion buddies, men who stood next to him in battle. I recall the image in my mind as if this story is being told to me today. How unimaginable the depth to which he was affected. His mind and life outlook changed.
The man I knew as dad returned damaged and very different. He tirelessly attempted to sleep only to be awakened startled by his own screaming. He jumped when encountering the least little movement by anything around him: his wife, his kids, the doorbell, our dog and many other things.
My life changed too, for he brought the pangs of war home with him. I was lost to any understanding of my childhood battleground. I became a victim of war. Having never served a day of service for country in my life, my days were victim to man’s conflict of existence to remain a country with freedom.
I reach to comprehend how I accept and resolve this conflict within me. Tears inevitably roll earthbound as I reflect and pray to honor those in my life that have endured the pain and agony of war. My dad was one of those. He rose to protect you and me. He moved around the world to do so, more than once, much like many women and men that serve in the armed forces today.
Every little girl’s dream is for her daddy to be the best one in the whole world. Imagine. She wants her fairy tale to last forever. At any time, the love felt through the warmth and breadth of his protections removes unfairness, disappointment, and hurt from the least significant to the most painful as he assured me there was nothing on earth that he would let harm me. Well, apparently, nothing but him.
I too, became part of America’s war to remain free. I was a casualty of war repeatedly assaulted and raped so many times as a youth, and I grew up with unbelievable confusion and consternation about what to do about this polar conundrum.
How do I respect and love the one who fought for me yet took so many things from me because of those battleground fights. Too many tears have fallen by now, and I accept what was good and bad about my father’s service for freedom.
Most individuals find difficulty trying to understand how I could love a person so despicable and monstrous. Some have suggested how crazy I am to have any feelings toward him at all. But the understanding of those emotions is paramount to recovery. He was my dad, once. I admired him because he laid his life on the line for me… love and loyalty to country. He served 20 years in military service; the first 18 years of my life spanned the last years of his service. I grew up inspired by his commitment to family and country. We stood together, no matter what, because we were family. That bond, that constant reinforcement of obligation, made me strong. I thought I would always be able to count on what he said.
How can one love and hate so much, in a single moment? This conundrum never dies for a survivor betrayed by someone you trust and love.
The best explanation of how I feel today is a quote from Road to Perdition when Tom Hanks shares about Michael Sullivan, the father in this epic, when asked if Sullivan was a good man or a bad man, he would always give the same reply, “He was my father.”
HE IS FOREVER WITH ME 